˙˙˙sʇlnsǝɹ ǝɥʇ
... are in.
:ʎɹɐʇuǝɯɯoɔ lɐɹǝuǝƃ s,ǝƃpnɾ ǝɥʇ
the good things about these two poems:
1. they were submitted in time, despite my tardiness,
and
2. they're on the same subject!
critiquing won't be too line-by-line, but this time around, i'll be making references to the lines i'm impressed/distressed by.
˙˙˙sʇuıod ƃuoɹʇs ʎlɹɐlnɔıʇɹɐd ǝɥʇ
Quote:
Queens Death Wish List
A swirl of hearts, a drop of poison in the tea pots; down goes the Hatter, down goes the Hare.
A smart whack from the croquet mallet, a slight twist of a head and down goes the King of Hearts.
Tricky knots being hung upside down; fed to the Jabberwocky, farewell Alice.
Tick tock, tick tock, sputter, implosion, nasty suction of destruction of the White Rabbit.
Puff, puff, puff, erotic smoker, pretty poisonous gases; choke, gasp, good-bye Caterpillar.
Tweetle Dum’s & Tweetle Dee’s chubby necks find their ways to the hands of the Red Queen wringed nicely, wringed firmly.
: what i can definitely appreciate is the "appropriateness" of these characters' deaths. duly noted is line three: which i liked largely due to a bit of the rhythm in there. i'm able to visualize what you're after here.
however.
my
greatest complaint is the fact that this reads largely like a list. i realize that this is the "death wish list"--but, as a reader, i've seen lists before. i make them frequently. in the realm of poetry, novel approaches > the usual sort.
now, i've seen lists used very nicely in poetry: but it's usually accompanied with a great degree of wordplay or minimalist images. what you're presenting is something that i pretty much have to force myself to visualize: "pretty poisonous gases", "nasty suction of destruction", "tricky knots being hung upside down", etc.
to add, alice's death comes... third. not first, not last--in some place of weight or importance. i always had the impression that she was the "most important" character of wonderland.
anyway, i'd highly suggest loading this with imagery, should you go back to make changes. make them clear, make them concise, make them interesting!
_______________________________________________
Quote:
alice an' opium(land)
i (lewis) in search of inspiration
gibberish
names
pasted on its round
tiles, my typewriter
stands as headstone
(still)
for crumpled paper.
my fingers weave, then
net behind my head.
layback.sigh.
**********curious thought:
**********what brings creativity?
**************************sleep, or stargazing?
**************************sex, a stroll, or sunbathing?
**************************fun, or failure?
**************************fellation, or flowers?
**************************i closed the queery
**************************with the following answer:
**************************poppies.
**************************their petals only hold aesthetics, but
*****************************the initial pods yield ecstacy (, andillusion).
opium grinded against
my nervous teeth, and
creeped down my
wanting tongue,
*************(—curious thought:
*************what is it like beyond
*************the rabbit-hole?—)
and
it
passed
the tailing void.
answer:
i fell dormant, and time's
rind flaked and decayed,
proportion became bedraggled,
an' ration was forgotten;
******************a vested rabbit hopped
******************with a tick in his pocket;
******************'eat me' marked my
******************misfortune; tea party,
******************with a hatter; hookah
******************hooked cate'pillar; defeat
******************the queen, and return to sanity.
******************?
***
my typewriter
[
click, clack, reset]
formed the former, but confined it
[
click, clack, reset]
to the enclosing loops, and bounding
[
click, clack, reset]
lines of (the words in) children's fiction.
[
loosen spool.]
the confessions of an english opium-eater
[
read.]
restricted by where the sidewalk ends.
****************************the
***************************things
*****************************i
****************************did
***************************before
****************************my
****************************eye
***************************rimmed
2. alice from opiumland********the
before alice saw through the
looking glass. : were you high when you wrote this? i kid, i kid.
gosh. let me start out by saying that you have some
fantastic images here:
"gibberish names
pasted on its round
tiles, my typewriter
stands as headstone (still)
for crumpled paper." -- hell. yes.
and
"opium grinded against
my nervous teeth, and
creeped down my
wanting tongue," -- clear, crisp, and striking.
i think where you might fall short is trying to muse too much on abstractions. musing is fine--but only in small doses. i
definitely was amused by the image you close your "creativity" question on: poppies. maybe if you focus your thoughts a bit more on that, you can make for some more powerful, moving images.
the flowers and the typewriter: huge plus!
tread a little less near that clichéd approach--that is, the character roll-call--to wonderland, should you choose to revise. wonderland is a place of drugged up introspective possibility--which you can certainly play with. make wonderland your own.
biggrin
˙˙˙uoısnlɔuoɔ uı
... the call.
in this duel between Wicked Alyce and enFrancais:
i declare
enFrancais the winner.
congratulations!
˙˙˙sʇlnsǝɹ ǝɥʇ
... are in.
100
175
100
